I just got off the phone with a lady who has relapsed after 90 days of sobriety. She picked up a drink again last week and has been going at it ever since. I could hear the pain and remorse in her voice as she spoke of how devastated she was and how she feels like she is losing control.
Oh man, the memories that conversation brought back. To the alcoholic who has experienced a brief bout of sobriety the relapse is an absolutely depressing place to be. In sobriety you begin to feel strong. You’re proud of each day that you have remained sober. You put a couple of weeks together, and then maybe a couple of months. Things in life start to turn around and you begin to think that maybe things weren’t so bad.
At this point the person in recovery does one of two things: they bear down even harder and keep going to meetings, keep on working the program, and keep on staying in contact with God and allowing Him to lead their days.
Or, they begin to think that they have it all figured out and that they can do it by themselves. They start slipping into the same patterns that they had before. At some point the tiny little thought fills their head, maybe I can handle it this time. One drink won’t hurt me, I deserve it. They make a decision to cross that line.
There is a line in the Big Book of AA that says something like this: “There comes a point in the life of a recovering alcoholic when they are unable to recall the pain, disappointment and embarrassment of a month ago, a week ago or even a day ago” I know that’s not the exact line, but it’s something like that. The power of the addiction overtakes the power of God in their lives because they have made a concious decision to push God out. There is an acronym for the word EGO. Ease God Out.
I remember relapse after relapse in my life where that acronym held true. I got prideful and arrogant and thought that I could do it by myself. It always led me back to the same place, only the place had gotten darker and scarier than before. The pain of the mistakes the day before could not outweigh the control that alcohol had on my life. I couldn’t make a move without it. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t function, I couldn’t breathe.
When I finally reached my breaking point it was after I had already destroyed a majority of the things that were good in my life. I don’t want to say it was rock-bottom because there is always a lower place you can go than the time before. The bottoms always get worse.
Today I live for a different reason. I live for the freedom I have in Christ’s power through the Cross. I live for the wife and children that God saw fit to bless me with. I live for those who are still struggling in their addictions and the family members that they are destroying along with their own lives. I cannot fathom the thought of relapsing, but I am also far enough along in this thing to know that I am just a few bad decisions away from picking up another drink. I know that all it takes is for me to start reclaiming some of that arrogance and pride I once held onto for me to start a very quick downward spiral into the arms of an awaiting bottle.
I love my life today. I love the fact that God is using me in small ways to make a difference in other people’s lives. For we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but it’s through His unbelievable love for us that He allows us the opportunity to return to His grace.